oh, ho the holidays

This Christmas was a success. I'm looking forward to this week for my new iMac. It's taking all I have not to piddle my pants in excitement. I'll be one of the happiest little girls. I also got an air compressor for Jeffrey, my car, I so badly needed and a set of murderous knives...mwuahahaha!! Just kidding, they're for kitchen use only...so you better steer clear of the kitchen if you want to keep your life! Just kidding again. Anyway, we've been using these terrible steak knives for cutting everything that butter knives can't conquer. It'll be nice to have a sharp blade to slice with.
My sister made me this brilliant practically life size doll. It's creepily adorable, and I had to laugh admiringly when I pulled her from the box so I wouldn't cry my delite. I'll try to get a picture of her on here. She has already frightened me twice since I left her sitting on the couch, and I came home opening my door to what I first percieved as an unexpected presence. It's a great creation, and I was quite impressed with my little, but as tall as me, sister. She is full of mystery, that girl. I think she will grow up into greatness, maybe conquer a couple cities or live in the jungle somewhere.
This is the longest I've gone without seeing Brandon. In total it will have been about a month. I haven't had to separate from someone I'm so fond of since I dated Ryan. It's a strange feeling. It's like temporarily losing your keys. At first it feels worse than it really is, like you'll never find them again. Then you realize that you used to live your life without a car, and it's not so bad getting around without it, but you miss it. Then one distant day they pop back into your life when you clean the closet and realize the dog had added them to his secret prohibited items to chew stash. Oh there's that shoe, too! So now you have it all back again, you lucky girl.
I got my haircut today. I haven't had bangs like these since I was small, it's funny to see them on grown up Pearl. Yes, that's right, grown up. This grown up also got her internet bill today, boo. And now I'm back in San Marcos. It seems I may be the only one saying that, too. That's alright, I welcome alone time after a week with the family. I need to touch up some things on Cameron's picture and I do have work tomorrow morning. Other than that I have no obligations, that's a strange feeling too. I better take advantage of it since it won't last long.

World AIDS Day

I feel lucky to be alive during this day and age. Change rises with the sun each morning, and every day seems brighter than the one before. Though we have not found cures for many diseases, those days wait on the horizon. We have made great strides since our first, and one can bet that we will not waver off this path of discovery. New days bring death, but they also bring new life. With new life we see the coming of a new age, an age that may bring the conclusion to AIDS and the like.

Not too long ago AIDS was relatively new to the mass public, and misunderstood. Many people looked at those bearing the burden as freaks, outcasts, infected beings. Most would not speak to them, would not share the same space, would not recognize them as humans. But above the masses were a few understanding persons who embraced this exiled group and welcomed them into friendship.

As a child, like every child, I was a handful. A handful of mischief, mess, and make believe. And as a mother, my mom was a busy woman running her own business and traveling to meet with clients. My dad, also a busy man with his own business, worked hard carving stone mantles, columns, and balusters. With two busy parents, one can see the relief a babysitter would bring from time to time. My mother had many friends, and insisted that one in particular look after me while she and Dad were away. Some of her colleagues gasped and argued that she was endangering her child. The man she had chosen was indeed a victim of AIDS. Other women claimed they would never consider his company for their children, too dear to be put into those infected hands. But my mother has always been intelligent and a free thinker. She ignored the unfriendly banter and handed me over. The feeling of welcome overcast the usual sickness he felt that day, and he thanked her for her trust. This small task meant more to him than a healthy person could ever know. My mom saw past his illness and looked at who he really was, a human no different than you or me. No one should be defined by their abnormalities, and we are all responsible for helping everyone along through their times of suffering, and most importantly ensuring they have uncountable times of happiness.

Many unfortunate things happen during the billions of lives that inhabit this earth. But no matter the infliction, one must always know that they are still part of humanity. To overcome AIDS and other diseases we must understand them, but to understand, we cannot fear.

figure it out...

I need to figure some things out about myself, but I'm not sure how to get the truth out of me. So how do I start? I guess some Q & A first...

What do I believe in?

I don't believe in God or any higher power. No Heaven, no Hell. We're only here for as long as we breathe. Because of this belief I wonder from time to time what the point of it all is. I figure there's no point, which brings me to a low point that eventually brings me back up to "well if there's no point, then there's no point in pondering this or getting down about it, and I should live as happily as I can."

What do I consider happiness?

Sometimes even in happy moments my mind wanders to darker thoughts of the future. I'm with a guy that I'm happy with, but lately when we're together I don't feel as I should. In the back of my mind I'm building a wall to protect myself from the blow that'll come when he leaves. Sure, happiness feels great when you're in it, but it never lasts, and I've been through too much sorrow these past years to be ready for the next wave. I know it's not fair to hold back, but is it fair to continue a relationship when you know you're going to break your partner's heart?
But happiness doesn't just come from having someone to love. What else makes me happy? Art, animals...this question should be easier.

Why do I look at the future in such a negative way?

My mind is in the gutter, not the perverted gutter, but the pessimistic one. I can predict at least one event that'll hurt in the near future and that thought seems to cast shadows on everything else to come. It shouldn't. I just need to talk to him about it, and then at least I won't be driving myself into this thought hole.

So why am I too shy to talk about this?

I've always been too shy to reveal my true emotions. I assume it's another strategy of self defense. I suppose I also assume that I'm going to get the answers that I dread. But it would make more sense to get those answers now than later, right Ms. Rational? Yes, I know, but it's harder than it seems. Who wants to spill their heart out and then get a swift kick in the blood pumper right after?

So just from a few questions I can see that my current relationship consumes a big space in my brain. I guess I'll try to figure this subject out.

I like the guy, which is why I'm afraid to get in any deeper when I know it'll end in the next year or so. But here I am just assuming that it'll end. If I let myself feel the way I want to about him then the relationship would grow and there's a chance that it would continue to grow. So what I really need to do is tell him all of the stuff I'm writing down to no one right now. What if he says, "you know, you're right. Let's just break it off now before it gets too heavy." Well, then you'll be a single girl again, and at least you'll be able to think about other shit. Fuck, the answer is so simple, it's just mustering up the courage to talk about it face to face. I should probably make a list of points, I always lose my thoughts when I try to express myself to other ears.

Okay, so I have one thing I've figured out: talk to the boy about our relationship. I think that'll be a big step if I actually go through with it. In fact, I don't know if I can think clearly about anything else until I complete this task. So I'll come back to figuring out more when I have this out of the way.

broke again

I've eaten pork chops for my last three meals. I'm eating ramen before I go to class. I have no money. I constantly ask myself what I'm really feeling, but I never figure it out.
My professor for modern art assigned us to read this graphic novel The Acme Novelty Library Number 18. It's about a woman and what she thinks is her unbearable life. It's sadly real. Her life insn't bad, just painfully uneventful. I feel weird that I can relate more to a 2D illustration over millions of 'real' people.
This book may be influencing this, but lately I've fallen into this thought funk. I'm usually a pretty happy person, but then again, am I? I keep thinking more and more about leaving everything behind. I used to think it was just because I wanted to see and experience new things, which I still think may be the case, but why would one want to leave a good life so badly? I suppose I know in the next year or so there won't be much here for me anyway. My boyfriend's going to go off somewhere, which is a constant tangled thought in my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak again. Aside from him, Esmeralda is graduating soon, so I'll lose half my social life. But this is life, and things change and disappear. I know that.
Maybe Beh has a part in my mood lately. I miss him. I used to tell him all of my woes and worries. I want to see him tonight. Again, I go back and forth in my mind about the oddity of visiting a deceased rat for comfort. But here I am, a lonely girl that has no real reason to be lonely. But I suppose we're all lonely in one way or another.

another tear damp morning

my room feels empty now.
a somber silence deafens the air around.
who will i weep with today, tomorrow, and the next?
it's lonely here without you.
my room has lost its comfort.
even with light this darkness doesn't lift.
it won't for some time.

I already miss holding you, scatching behind your ears, rubbing your curious nose.
I miss your sneezes and rummaging around.
I miss your warmth.
Beh, you were so cold.
So cold and stiff I can't stand to think of it.
You were so different than you used to be...
you were gone, and I felt the solid form that replaced your light presence.
your cage is so hard to look at.
you're gone.
and you are still.
no matter the times i tell myself this, it hurts just the same.
i wish i could wake up to you again.
i'm sorry you died alone.
i wish i could hold you again.
i'm sorry i wasn't there.
i'm sorry if it hurt.
i wish you were still here.
i love you Beh.

nov. 3

Beh's dead.
I'm sorry baby...
it hurts.

the flaming lips ask a good question

What a wreck it all is.
A wreck you either love or hate.
And what is love and hate?
Can we know one without the other?
How can we distinguish the two from everything else?

How do I know when I love someone?
Do they become a vital part of life I cannot live without?
No, that cannot be.
I will live on no matter who and how many cease to be.
And the different loves.
What a word.
I can love chocolate and music.
But can I love another being?
That love seems harder to achieve.
I am fond of many people.
I am more fond of some than others.
But who do I love?
I love my family, but again, a different love.
Would I love them if not for the blood we share?
No matter the lost loves.
The heart will still beat.
Or will it?
Is there a true heart stopping love?

And I now reach the point where I ask myself the relevance of this self interrogation.
My brain powers my thoughts.
Attempt to rationalize an ambiguous abstract state of being originating from the heart is, in itself, irrational.
Sometimes I hate my jaded rationale.

Ahh, yes, hate.
The opposition of the above.
I believe hate to be more concrete.
Given, one can claim hatred of materials.
But a hate for another being is hardly indecipherable.
The potency of the word stings my heart to hear as human to human expression.
I feel I could more easily love than hate.
I know, at least hope, the majority of mankind would agree with that.
But if I cannot make sense of love, I cannot begin to comprehend hate.
How can one put so much emotion and thought into a waste of feeling?
What does hate bring to others beyond inevitable negativity?
Why would one crave for something so unpleasant?
The world remains ugly enough with smaller entities like gluttony and greed.
And I realize we are all just human.
There is no sense pondering these things.
The answer is always absent.
And no real answers ever blossom.

Sometimes I feel trapped inside myself.
Life seems easier for those incapable of an outside perspective.
But in contradiction, this life is all I will ever have.
I am glad I can derive such thoughts.

I am grateful that I can write those thoughts down.
Pen and paper.
Two of the simplest elements that create extensions of our brain when combined.
I lay in bed and write essentially nonsense.
I should be doing school work.
Not that I don't want to.
I just have a heavy mind.
This past year has made it especially heavy.
But I suppose everyone at this level experiences this.
I guess I find it harder to easily dismiss.
Does life really change all that much?
What will I do after school?
Live like the rest of them.
Try to make the most of my insignificant existence.

I know I seem so pessimistic about it all.
But these are not upsetting thoughts by any means.
I honestly don't feel much about the subject.
But I suppose the apathy is just a symptom of reason.

up date - i finally have a date!

Aside from the somewhat irrelevant limbo post, some ground has been covered from my last informative article.

I'm no longer the lonely bitter bitch, but the happy his hand in mine honey. Reading through past entries, I can see this tread of me easily falling for the decent guy that would hopefully pull me out of this single slum. I can be one of the silliest people when I let my heart lead...she's still so naive. But I'm incredibly glad this summer's early fling was such a silly situation. Ironically enough, a new boat driver strolled into work one day late that summer and caught my eyes as we crossed paths. Introductions were made and quick conversations left us intrigued. A few days passed and brought us together for a movie date from which we've barely separated. So it does seem that I'm one who easily falls into relationships. But in this one I find myself taking strides with several degrees of caution. I sometimes get too excited about good things and work my hopes up to a level that can collapse into a black hole if unfulfilled. So I calm myself with rational thought, and it seems to be working out well. But in contradiction, I wonder if I'm keeping myself from feeling completely for him the way I would without rationality. I do believe I am, but, one must understand, this is a necessary defense mechanism since my heart is still thawing out. I'm grateful for a guy that I'm comfortable and happy with, a guy that I consider my friend as much as my lover, and a guy that is the right kind of weird which happens to fit perfectly with me. It started in July, I guess we'll see how long it lasts. As of now, it's only two months away from the length of my last relationship. Crazy. It feels so much better.

Aside from my love life, my life is pretty uneventful. On the up and up, I've seemed to have pulled myself out of the lazy student stretch, and I plan to get my 4.0 this semester. I aced my modern art exam (the only exam of the semester) so I've started out my journey on a solid, above average A. I have only missed one class so far in my poster design course (for my eye exam and lens replacement), and we're at midterm. I'm predictably kicking ass in my figure drawing class, which makes me want to switch to studio art even more. I presume I'm coming along nicely in typography since I've gotten all my work in on time.

Money's becoming an issue again, though. With the new school year I've ceased working at D'Blazio's. I'm hoping I'll be smart enough to pick up a shift every now and then, but let's face it, I love my free time. I was also hyped up about the prospective trip to Florence this summer, but took the bad news kind of hard last week that my college fund has declined a little too far to finance such an excursion. I really need to get out of Texas for a while.

Esmeralda got a puppy and we've been keeping it here. I was aprehensive at first, since all university apartments ban petowning, but we had her wake/birthday party last Friday and met one of the guys that works in the office who said it's not a big deal. The puppy's a shitzu named Kingsley. Way too cute to be healthy. He looks like the little dog off the muppets. He's alright, but Beh'll always be my 'Behby'.

limbo

I gaze the stars from my plateau, searching for answers close enough to snatch from this vast spatial terrain. Answers to questions that only I can solve. The stars provide a comfort. A comfortable abyss I need to climb out of. I've been breathing in the same hot air for years. I love my big state, but I can't stand walking this ground when I'm consciously aware of the the foreign land I have yet to tread. I blame the land in hopes that the melancholy feeling hanging over me proves undoubtedly external. I can feel my feet pruning with exhaustion as I follow the same paths and walkways with every sunrise and sunset. I try to sigh the apathetic feelings away with deep, long breaths, but the air remains the same, and my lungs feel no change and my brain still battles the clouds. I feel as though my heart has been defensively napping since her last break, and no matter my effort, she won't wake.

I claim hatred for the cold, but perhaps I need it. I need to freeze and awake myself from this drab pattern I live in. I need to see different horizons. I need to watch different creatures. I need to meet different people. I need to put my body out of its element and dive into the waters I deemed forbidden. I need life in this life, and I need to redefine how I live. I need to know. I need to explore. I need to get out.

I am confident about changing, and I know that I will do what's necessary to achieve these feelings that, now, I can only imagine and attempt to describe.
But I hold one fear. I fear that I will eventually feel the same no matter the amount of earth I travel or people I meet or animals I see or knowledge I obtain or skills I master. I fear I will always fall into the reoccurring thought of how silly it all is. And I fear that this fear will hold me back from the life I truly wish to live. But alongside my fear, I hope. I genuinely hope that's not the case.

Wednesday, August 20

My companion and I are leaving home tonight. We wait for the sun's daily hibernation so the journey doesn't suck out the last of our hydration. Blue herons fly to the north. We'll follow the tired wings and hope to find a sanctuary. Rain arrived a few days ago, but no amount of relief. The streets host killings for blood, the only moisture left in this damned place. We'll return when the rain washes the blood from the road.

Before we make our departure I have to see him. It'd be easier to depart without goodbye, but I have to take in all I can. Time leaves familiarities on the horizon, and the face I used to kiss becomes one I can barely see. But time hasn't taken hold yet, and I kiss his sunken cheek. Without water to sink into we've been sinking into ourselves. I'll spare the words of my time with him since probable tears could be fatal. Goodbye has never hurt so much. I don't know when I'll see him again. He'll collect his mother in a couple days and head out like the rest of us.

The sun's been down almost two hours now, so we get on our way. Guilt weighs on me as I think of little Beh and my act of abandonment. Now it seems silly to have shared the water supply with him this past week. But I've already committed three smaller murders to drink the water they once swam. I try to push these thoughts from my head that's been pounding for days. Unshed tears don't help the pain.

chocolate milk

The shit's good. There's no drink more comforting than a nice big glass of chocolate milk. Even though it's not so comforting when you realize how many calories you're intaking, it sticks it to all of the things that make a day bad. So what if I lost my husband and two kids in a car crash, this milk is fucking delicious! Alright, that was bad, but I'm making a point, and an irrelevant one at that.

So I need to be touching up my paintings for the final review tomorrow, and of course, here I am on the computer typing out my recognition of my procrastination and further denial of the task that should be at hand. Bad habits are hard to break. It might be understandable if anyone read this thing, but I don't even have that on my side. I always end up doing this, and always regret it. There are some things that you live and live and live but never learn.

Alright, I'm going to go watch I'm Not There and attempt to finish these morning dream killer paintings.

i can see the top of the hill

Face it, Kid, you're going to be lonely for the rest of your life. Even when you find that significant other, they aren't going to understand you completely. I guess that's the fun part about it? We spend most of our lives trying to explain ourselves to others. Don't get down about it, because the person that you're down about is likely just as lonely as you are. Some people just don't like the way other people are lonely. You have to find the right person to be lonely with. At least we're all together on this lonely earth. Be yourself. You're the only one that's ever going to get who you fully are, no matter who that is.

A lot's happened since the last post. I've got about three more days of class to go. I slacked off a lot, so I now need to bust my ass - meaning I should be painting as I type this. Yeah, it's a painting class, but I don't think you realize how bad of a procrastinator I am.

Aside from the class load on my back, I would say things are going alright. I finally have money in my bank, enough to allow some credit card payments in addition to the regular bills. Quite exciting, no? Where am I getting this extra money, you ask? Well, no, Silly, I am not a whore of sexual favors, but that of pizza favors. I got a job at this local rough, tough, and out of shape pizza joint as a delivery driver. It's a pretty sweet gig going home with Benjamins and associated dead presidents in my hand. They had no idea that I would get a hold of their heads, but here I am with green lining in my pockets.

Esmeralda's moved in all her stuff, even had her bedroom thoroughly in place until the cleaning staff came to clean the empty room that wasn't so empty. She's not supposed to move in until August 22nd. Oops, but we knew that. So now all of her stuff's jammed in the spare room and the cleaners have yet to return. Hopefully that dust cloud will lift soon when the cleaners come.

Beethoven is fine. For a little bit there I feared he had worms or something, but a girl at PetSmart said that it sounded just like I was crazy and searching for something to be wrong with him. She didn't state it that bluntly, but that's how I felt when the conversation ended. She even said it'd be a bad idea to bring in some strange rat after he's been alone so long. Alright, Lady, you win. I think it's because he hasn't been able to run around my room as much as he's used to. I've been a busy girl. Sorry, Beh.

I need to paint.

here i am again and nothing's changed

I don't know why I try anymore. Finding someone is a lost cause. There's the downer statement, but I'm sure some could see it coming. My stream of guys is never cool, there's always something weird or wrong with them. Oh well, I like being lonely, haha, did anyone believe that?

So today my mother's coming with a couch, my stimulus check, and intent to buy me a bike. We're also going to move in Esmeralda's shit. I won't be lonely much longer.

I still need to finish this painting. It's dull since it's a gray scale still life. I need to do dishes and clean my fish vases as well. I don't know why I let these things go. I suppose living alone can make one lazy like that. No one's here to criticize.

I think this dank makes me a heavy person, probably in combination with my room's atmosphere. I guess I'll go wash dishes before Mom comes.

no boat today, guys are jerks

What the fuck? So Travis ignores my calls today, but answers April’s, and she learns that he’s already half way to Austin for the lake trip. What a mother fucker! I made it very clear how much I wanted to go on that damn boat. This is weird because Travis has never done anything to piss me off. Sure he’s a sleaze ball, but I don’t care, he’s always accommodated me and others very well. But what the hell, I thought he would at least answer my call and tell me I couldn’t come or something, right? I would at least do that. The funny thing is he’s all about being a ‘man’, but he pulls this shit? Sneaky little bastard. I was really looking forward to going out on the boat today, but whatever I guess. It just sucks when the people you least expect do this shit. Ugh, I’m just annoyed. But, anyway…

Today was the first day of painting class, and I’m pretty excited. It seems like I am going to have to go in every morning at 8am, but that’s probably for the better. We’re going to do four paintings during this month long class: the first one is a still life, second’s from a photo, third’s a portrait, and fourth one’s a landscape. So I should have some cool stuff by the end of this month to put on the wall.

After class I bought some supplies and went to the bank to deposit a check. Then I came back and cleaned my fan, this was pretty gross. After being satisfyingly productive I took a small nap, small because Raul called and woke me from my slumber. Oh, and before that the pest control came in and saw my backside and ran out, haha. Luckily, I was under the covers (I was of course nude as always). So Raul came over and I cooked us lunch. My newly ex roommate left this omelet Forman grill thing, so I tried that out. It’s a pretty nifty gadget. That’s been my day so far, I think I might go buy some stuff for Beh and possibly make a trip to the river.

I haven't really talked to ‘the guy’ much these past few days. I don't think he's avoiding conversation on purpose, but it’s making me lose faith in this forming relationship. Not lose faith, but fire, I suppose you could call it. Oh well, it’s not like I’m losing much, he’s thousands of miles away and I have two years left here. Things’ll work out if they’re supposed to. I do miss talking to him, though.

Well that's about it for now. Next time I see Travis I’m giving him so much shit.

behbeh

I'm getting worried about Beethoven, well, maybe not so much worried, but he needs someone in his life other than me. I'm hoping to get this second job rolling soon, and when that happens I'll invest in a play buddy. It's sad that I can't afford to maintain two rats, but it's the truth. On top of the rising gas prices, groceries, phone, water, and electric bills two rats would leave me searching for pennies on the pavement. And pennies don't get anyone shit these days. I still need to buy more bedding and a small bed to put on the third floor of his cage. I'm afraid that if I get another rat that Beethoven's just going to eat all of the food and leave the other to starve. Hopefully that won't happen, but it has been a while since he's shared. He's a good boy, though. His main focus is on food, so I'm hoping another rat will help him recover from this one track mind of his. From what I've read on the internet it's not the best to introduce a foreign rat so late, but I have no choice. He once had a brother who got a cyst and was traded for a different rat who then ended up dieing of meningitis. But at the time of two rats one of my friends was going in half and half on them with me, so I was really only paying for Beh. Since the death of Banks, the other rat, he's been an only child, or rat, whichever you want to call it. But we've bonded during that time, or at least I would like to think so. I really need to try and teach him shit. Anyways, that's been on my mind lately.

Today I switched out my huge drafting table (it's now in the guest bedroom) for a desk, and now I have a lot more room. I think I might rearrange things once more, but I'm going to wait a bit on that. Esmeralda and Petty were over earlier, and we watched a Yeah Yeah Yeah's DVD. Now I'm drinking wine alone and blogging about Beh, but only because I skipped out on the party scene since I start class tomorrow at 8am, blehhhh. At least it's painting, and I'm actually in a 'special problems' class, which is almost like independent study, so I won't have to go in every morning at 8 like I usually would. Woo hoo. After class tomorrow I'm supposed to go out with Travis and Tracy on Tracy's new boat. They've gone out a few times already, but I had to work all the days before and couldn't go. I'm pretty pumped. I just hope they don't have a lot of dumb bitches going too. I'll have fun regardless.

Fish are so weird when they sleep. They're like floating death. I'm looking at Egor right now, and if I didn't know better, I would bet my life he was dead. I bet that could be said about me when I sleep too. And speaking of which, I just finished my wine so it is time to hit the sack. It's already 2am. Until next time, have fun in the sun and don't eat that yellow snow.

looking up

Things’re finally smoothing out from the past few weeks. The roommate's all moved out, and I’m definitely living with Esme, there was a scare that it wouldn’t happen for a bit. My car is fixed, and I’ve got two new tires. I’m finally registered for my painting class that’s going to start soon, exciting! I’m back on good terms with the Lampasas folk, not that there were bad terms, just lack of terms. We found a white bunny on our porch (that’s good luck right?) and we’re keeping it in a cooler until we find it a home. It’s really cute, but I still miss Beethoven. The trip to New York at the end of the summer is looking more and more like it’s going to happen. I talked to Mom today and she’s totally game for going. It’ll be awesome if it works out. I also think I have that second job I need so badly. I’m back to being pretty up beat. I'm still having trouble with the birth control, but I'm going to go into Walgreens when I get back to San Marcos and see if they'll order my old shit. I've been bleeding for way too long, sorry if that's too much information, but I'm a vulgar girl at times. So other than that, and the fact that I don't have any kitchenware, I'm back to a good place.

blarg

So lately I've been stressed out for many reasons:

Birth control - I was on this one brand for a year and it worked perfectly. Unfortunately for me the clinic didn't have that brand this last time, but offered to write the script so I could obtain it from a pharmacy. Thanks Walgreens, for your generic shit. I should've just taken what the clinic had. Now I'm on my period two weeks too early, and I'm sure I'll get it again when I'm really supposed to. The worst part is that I can't afford to buy tampons for two periods a month. Not to mention I get touchy during these red days and my feelings are easily hurt which makes the following a bigger deal than it is.

My roommate, or should I say roommates - I've lived with this chick for a year and haven't had one real conversation with her. Thankfully she's moving out, but before the relief I'm living in a hell made of cardboard boxes. Not only is all her shit strewn about the apartment, but her boyfriend's as well. The boyfriend moved out of his apartment and is now living here, which isn't much different from this past year, but all of his stuff has joined him. I feel like I'm scaling mountains just to get back to my room. It seems she's forgotten that I do still live here, as I came home to one of her boxes blocking my door yesterday. It still hasn't been moved from the cubby space I shoved it into, hoping she would notice the annoyance, while trying to get into my room. The other morning I also saw Esmeralda's (you'll get to know this crazy girl pretty well) and my muffin pan packed away with the rest of her kitchenware. Don't think so, bitch. I took it out and it's now in hiding under my bed. She's not scheduled to move out until after June, according to my friend who works in the office, but it seems like she'll be outta here sooner than that. I can only hope. I'll snap some pictures tomorrow to show you what I'm dealing with.

The one I have to get back - This doesn't stress me out as much as it depresses me. I've fallen for this boy who's now thousands of miles away. We worked together this past semester, but I found out about the two deadly Gs: girlfriend and graduating, so I never pursued anything. He invited me to his graduation party, and I'm not one to pass up free Zeigenbock. At the end of the night, which by then was very early morning, he confessed his feelings for me. It was a short affair since he graduated and left the following week, but one that convinced me there's definitely something there that I don't want to lose. I stay in just to talk to him on IM at night and when I don't get to I don't feel right. He's always on my mind and every text I get disappoints me when it's not him. I'm hoping to make my way to NY at the end of the summer, and in doing so I might have a chance to see him. Call me a hopeless romantic.

Drama - I have a large group of friends, so this is inevitable, but damn, it gets on my nerves. Get over it.

Computer virus - I have a virus on my computer and it just fucks up the net. I'll get it fixed soon, though.

Jeffrey - This is my car, a '97 Honda Accord. He falls apart sometimes, and it makes my life that much harder. This past X.mas Eve his transmission blew, thanks for the Merry Christmas, Jeffrey. His undercarriage came loose this time, not as big of a problem as the transmission, but enough to get to me, and was dragging for a few days, (so that's what that noise was!). It's now ghetto rigged with wire until I make it home for Dad and his shop boys to fix. I need to stop running over curbs.

No green - I'm looking for a second job. Been clean for about two weeks, aka way too long.

Money - I don't have any. I paid the full amount on my credit card that was due, forgetting that I hadn't paid my water and electricity bill. Fuck, I think I have $20, if that, to my name. This is the reason for the job hunting. I'm desperate for some hefty pay checks, Aquarena doesn't cut it. I even applied at Bikinis Bar and Grill (search it) if that gives you a better picture on just how desperate I am.

hello, it's me

So I have a blog that I write in when I'm usually feeling pretty low. I figured it was time to start a more light hearted collection, not to mention I have a lot to rant about as of lately. So I'll introduce myself here in this post in order for you all to get a feel for who I am and my life situation.

I live in the hot lonestar and sometimes lonely state of Texas. I've been wondering around Texas State University for the past couple years trying to figure things out, and there hasn't been much advancement in the discovery. Before my oblivious college wanderings, I resided in a small town that a hand full of people come across every blue moon. I lived there 18 years of my life, and, mind you, I'm only 20. So I'm happy to be away from that pocket sized limbo, where no one really knows what's going on, with the exception of maybe five people (and that's being generous).

My parents are still together, and I have a younger sister of 16. My parents are definitely two of the coolest people I know, and I wouldn't want anyone else. They both run their own businesses, but work hand in hand. Mom's a drafter and Dad's a stone carver. My mom also loves talking politics, and my dad loves ignoring when she does. My sister is going through her teenage phase of "I'm always right even though I don't know shit" stage, but we've all been there. Since I live about two hours away (not far at all, I know) I don't talk to those kids much. I'm terrible with keeping in touch, and I can't talk on the phone for too long. I do manage to visit once every month or two, and I think that's enough for all of us.

I live in an apartment right on campus, which helps on saving gas. I work at the Aquarena Center, formerly known as Aquarena Springs where Ralph the swimming pig dove many a time for human entertainment - we're a sick breed. I drive the glass bottom boats and give educational tours to school groups. I love my job, but I don't make the money that would justify why I've been there for about a year and a half. When I'm not working or attending school I'm usually hanging out with my ridiculous friends, playing on the computer, or kickin' it at the river.

I'm pretty good at drawing and all of that art crap, and might switch my major over to studio art, we'll see. It's currently communication design, but I'm not sure how passionate I am about that media. I usually draw pretty realistic stuff, but I like the abstract too. I'm also interested in photography, especially after the traditional photography class that I took where I learned to develop my own film and prints. That shit's pretty cool, and a form of art in itself for sure. My professor once said that it's the closest one can get to magic, and I think I agree.

I have a rat named Beethoven, and he brings me a lot of joy. He's a Fancy Rat breed and is white with a gray head and spot on his back. He's addicted to yogurt treats, but we've started an intervention. He's got a badass cage that I hide away in my closet, but don't worry, it has sliding mirror doors that I usually keep open. The cage is three stories so he can bring home tons of bitches. I still hope to teach him some tricks, but I don't know how likely that is. He keeps me company when I'm low, and I give him food when he's hungry, it's a healthy relationship. Aditionally, I have two betas, Egor and Jerico, and an angel wing begonia (that's a plant for you ignorant folk).

So there's way more information than you probably cared to know, but that gives some insight to where I'm at right now.