figure it out...

I need to figure some things out about myself, but I'm not sure how to get the truth out of me. So how do I start? I guess some Q & A first...

What do I believe in?

I don't believe in God or any higher power. No Heaven, no Hell. We're only here for as long as we breathe. Because of this belief I wonder from time to time what the point of it all is. I figure there's no point, which brings me to a low point that eventually brings me back up to "well if there's no point, then there's no point in pondering this or getting down about it, and I should live as happily as I can."

What do I consider happiness?

Sometimes even in happy moments my mind wanders to darker thoughts of the future. I'm with a guy that I'm happy with, but lately when we're together I don't feel as I should. In the back of my mind I'm building a wall to protect myself from the blow that'll come when he leaves. Sure, happiness feels great when you're in it, but it never lasts, and I've been through too much sorrow these past years to be ready for the next wave. I know it's not fair to hold back, but is it fair to continue a relationship when you know you're going to break your partner's heart?
But happiness doesn't just come from having someone to love. What else makes me happy? Art, animals...this question should be easier.

Why do I look at the future in such a negative way?

My mind is in the gutter, not the perverted gutter, but the pessimistic one. I can predict at least one event that'll hurt in the near future and that thought seems to cast shadows on everything else to come. It shouldn't. I just need to talk to him about it, and then at least I won't be driving myself into this thought hole.

So why am I too shy to talk about this?

I've always been too shy to reveal my true emotions. I assume it's another strategy of self defense. I suppose I also assume that I'm going to get the answers that I dread. But it would make more sense to get those answers now than later, right Ms. Rational? Yes, I know, but it's harder than it seems. Who wants to spill their heart out and then get a swift kick in the blood pumper right after?

So just from a few questions I can see that my current relationship consumes a big space in my brain. I guess I'll try to figure this subject out.

I like the guy, which is why I'm afraid to get in any deeper when I know it'll end in the next year or so. But here I am just assuming that it'll end. If I let myself feel the way I want to about him then the relationship would grow and there's a chance that it would continue to grow. So what I really need to do is tell him all of the stuff I'm writing down to no one right now. What if he says, "you know, you're right. Let's just break it off now before it gets too heavy." Well, then you'll be a single girl again, and at least you'll be able to think about other shit. Fuck, the answer is so simple, it's just mustering up the courage to talk about it face to face. I should probably make a list of points, I always lose my thoughts when I try to express myself to other ears.

Okay, so I have one thing I've figured out: talk to the boy about our relationship. I think that'll be a big step if I actually go through with it. In fact, I don't know if I can think clearly about anything else until I complete this task. So I'll come back to figuring out more when I have this out of the way.

broke again

I've eaten pork chops for my last three meals. I'm eating ramen before I go to class. I have no money. I constantly ask myself what I'm really feeling, but I never figure it out.
My professor for modern art assigned us to read this graphic novel The Acme Novelty Library Number 18. It's about a woman and what she thinks is her unbearable life. It's sadly real. Her life insn't bad, just painfully uneventful. I feel weird that I can relate more to a 2D illustration over millions of 'real' people.
This book may be influencing this, but lately I've fallen into this thought funk. I'm usually a pretty happy person, but then again, am I? I keep thinking more and more about leaving everything behind. I used to think it was just because I wanted to see and experience new things, which I still think may be the case, but why would one want to leave a good life so badly? I suppose I know in the next year or so there won't be much here for me anyway. My boyfriend's going to go off somewhere, which is a constant tangled thought in my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just setting myself up for heartbreak again. Aside from him, Esmeralda is graduating soon, so I'll lose half my social life. But this is life, and things change and disappear. I know that.
Maybe Beh has a part in my mood lately. I miss him. I used to tell him all of my woes and worries. I want to see him tonight. Again, I go back and forth in my mind about the oddity of visiting a deceased rat for comfort. But here I am, a lonely girl that has no real reason to be lonely. But I suppose we're all lonely in one way or another.

another tear damp morning

my room feels empty now.
a somber silence deafens the air around.
who will i weep with today, tomorrow, and the next?
it's lonely here without you.
my room has lost its comfort.
even with light this darkness doesn't lift.
it won't for some time.

I already miss holding you, scatching behind your ears, rubbing your curious nose.
I miss your sneezes and rummaging around.
I miss your warmth.
Beh, you were so cold.
So cold and stiff I can't stand to think of it.
You were so different than you used to be...
you were gone, and I felt the solid form that replaced your light presence.
your cage is so hard to look at.
you're gone.
and you are still.
no matter the times i tell myself this, it hurts just the same.
i wish i could wake up to you again.
i'm sorry you died alone.
i wish i could hold you again.
i'm sorry i wasn't there.
i'm sorry if it hurt.
i wish you were still here.
i love you Beh.

nov. 3

Beh's dead.
I'm sorry baby...
it hurts.