limbo

I gaze the stars from my plateau, searching for answers close enough to snatch from this vast spatial terrain. Answers to questions that only I can solve. The stars provide a comfort. A comfortable abyss I need to climb out of. I've been breathing in the same hot air for years. I love my big state, but I can't stand walking this ground when I'm consciously aware of the the foreign land I have yet to tread. I blame the land in hopes that the melancholy feeling hanging over me proves undoubtedly external. I can feel my feet pruning with exhaustion as I follow the same paths and walkways with every sunrise and sunset. I try to sigh the apathetic feelings away with deep, long breaths, but the air remains the same, and my lungs feel no change and my brain still battles the clouds. I feel as though my heart has been defensively napping since her last break, and no matter my effort, she won't wake.

I claim hatred for the cold, but perhaps I need it. I need to freeze and awake myself from this drab pattern I live in. I need to see different horizons. I need to watch different creatures. I need to meet different people. I need to put my body out of its element and dive into the waters I deemed forbidden. I need life in this life, and I need to redefine how I live. I need to know. I need to explore. I need to get out.

I am confident about changing, and I know that I will do what's necessary to achieve these feelings that, now, I can only imagine and attempt to describe.
But I hold one fear. I fear that I will eventually feel the same no matter the amount of earth I travel or people I meet or animals I see or knowledge I obtain or skills I master. I fear I will always fall into the reoccurring thought of how silly it all is. And I fear that this fear will hold me back from the life I truly wish to live. But alongside my fear, I hope. I genuinely hope that's not the case.