thanks, House.

To start off this entry, I would like to quote some ABBA lyrics. I do want to state for the record, though, that I much prefer the cover by Camera Obscura.

Facing twenty thousand of your friends
How can anyone be so lonely
Part of a success that never ends
Still I'm thinking about you only
There are moments when I think I'm going crazy
But it's gonna be alright
Everything will be so different
When I'm on the stage tonight

If you're not one for cheesy self analysis, then this probably won't be a good read. I write these things mainly for myself, anyway. In fact, I have unfortunately learned that I should put my whole faith of whatever into myself. Friends and family, of course, will always be there, and I'm more than happy that they are, but I have to live for myself. For at least a short or long while, I cannot devote myself to anyone other than me.

It is very true that sometimes I think I'm going crazy. I know if I speak these words to anyone, they will agree and say that they too feel this way at times. At what point should this feeling be talked about, and why is it just 'normal' to think you're going crazy? Our society is so fucked up. And I'm sure it's not limited to just our society. So do I just suck it up and accept that, yes, there are times in every person's life when she feels she's going insane? What else is there to do?

I feel like intelligence can be a burden. My rational side kicks whatever other side I have's ass. I always refrain from fully acting out my emotions. Why is that? Even now I'm trying to figure myself out. This is rational. I hate and love this trait. Sometimes I feel it compels me to the feeling of insanity, it makes me crazy to know how much control I have over myself. I feel like a robot. I feel like a basic instinctual creature that deflects any hurtful forces. I can say I feel guilty about certain things in my life, like loosing friends and connections with family out of neglect, but I don't really feel it. Is there actually a distinct feeling that comes with guilt? I feel the basic sadness and happiness of life, but not for those things.

I can't feel the warmth of most people. Very few people bring me comfort. I write these sentences down and they seem so fake to me. This is when I feel crazy, when I don't even know if the words coming out of my head are true. What good does this self analysis do? It just digs me deeper into my own hole. I wonder sometimes if counseling would do anything. But there are plenty of days when these thoughts are completely absent. Fuck. I think the House season premiere influenced these thoughts. But I like being influenced, I like external sources that provoke me to think and question myself. I do like a quote that was presented in the episode by one of the mental patients,

"Thinking sucks."

baked cake

So there are these stages of getting older. One day things just feel a slight bit different. I'm not sure in what way, maybe just a side effect of jadedness. But it's not necessarily a negative different. No, it's just familiarity, it's knowing. Like when you realize that just because people are older than you, that doesn't, unfortunately, make them smarter. Maybe I just feel more at peace with my life. Maybe this busy schedule has brought the balance I've been looking for. Maybe I'm just writing down every thought passing through my brain because this stuff is really good. Make stuff into whatever you like. I should probably go to bed. I work tomorrow at 7:45AM. Good night to the nobodies that read this. I don't even think they do.