the flaming lips ask a good question

What a wreck it all is.
A wreck you either love or hate.
And what is love and hate?
Can we know one without the other?
How can we distinguish the two from everything else?

How do I know when I love someone?
Do they become a vital part of life I cannot live without?
No, that cannot be.
I will live on no matter who and how many cease to be.
And the different loves.
What a word.
I can love chocolate and music.
But can I love another being?
That love seems harder to achieve.
I am fond of many people.
I am more fond of some than others.
But who do I love?
I love my family, but again, a different love.
Would I love them if not for the blood we share?
No matter the lost loves.
The heart will still beat.
Or will it?
Is there a true heart stopping love?

And I now reach the point where I ask myself the relevance of this self interrogation.
My brain powers my thoughts.
Attempt to rationalize an ambiguous abstract state of being originating from the heart is, in itself, irrational.
Sometimes I hate my jaded rationale.

Ahh, yes, hate.
The opposition of the above.
I believe hate to be more concrete.
Given, one can claim hatred of materials.
But a hate for another being is hardly indecipherable.
The potency of the word stings my heart to hear as human to human expression.
I feel I could more easily love than hate.
I know, at least hope, the majority of mankind would agree with that.
But if I cannot make sense of love, I cannot begin to comprehend hate.
How can one put so much emotion and thought into a waste of feeling?
What does hate bring to others beyond inevitable negativity?
Why would one crave for something so unpleasant?
The world remains ugly enough with smaller entities like gluttony and greed.
And I realize we are all just human.
There is no sense pondering these things.
The answer is always absent.
And no real answers ever blossom.

Sometimes I feel trapped inside myself.
Life seems easier for those incapable of an outside perspective.
But in contradiction, this life is all I will ever have.
I am glad I can derive such thoughts.

I am grateful that I can write those thoughts down.
Pen and paper.
Two of the simplest elements that create extensions of our brain when combined.
I lay in bed and write essentially nonsense.
I should be doing school work.
Not that I don't want to.
I just have a heavy mind.
This past year has made it especially heavy.
But I suppose everyone at this level experiences this.
I guess I find it harder to easily dismiss.
Does life really change all that much?
What will I do after school?
Live like the rest of them.
Try to make the most of my insignificant existence.

I know I seem so pessimistic about it all.
But these are not upsetting thoughts by any means.
I honestly don't feel much about the subject.
But I suppose the apathy is just a symptom of reason.

up date - i finally have a date!

Aside from the somewhat irrelevant limbo post, some ground has been covered from my last informative article.

I'm no longer the lonely bitter bitch, but the happy his hand in mine honey. Reading through past entries, I can see this tread of me easily falling for the decent guy that would hopefully pull me out of this single slum. I can be one of the silliest people when I let my heart lead...she's still so naive. But I'm incredibly glad this summer's early fling was such a silly situation. Ironically enough, a new boat driver strolled into work one day late that summer and caught my eyes as we crossed paths. Introductions were made and quick conversations left us intrigued. A few days passed and brought us together for a movie date from which we've barely separated. So it does seem that I'm one who easily falls into relationships. But in this one I find myself taking strides with several degrees of caution. I sometimes get too excited about good things and work my hopes up to a level that can collapse into a black hole if unfulfilled. So I calm myself with rational thought, and it seems to be working out well. But in contradiction, I wonder if I'm keeping myself from feeling completely for him the way I would without rationality. I do believe I am, but, one must understand, this is a necessary defense mechanism since my heart is still thawing out. I'm grateful for a guy that I'm comfortable and happy with, a guy that I consider my friend as much as my lover, and a guy that is the right kind of weird which happens to fit perfectly with me. It started in July, I guess we'll see how long it lasts. As of now, it's only two months away from the length of my last relationship. Crazy. It feels so much better.

Aside from my love life, my life is pretty uneventful. On the up and up, I've seemed to have pulled myself out of the lazy student stretch, and I plan to get my 4.0 this semester. I aced my modern art exam (the only exam of the semester) so I've started out my journey on a solid, above average A. I have only missed one class so far in my poster design course (for my eye exam and lens replacement), and we're at midterm. I'm predictably kicking ass in my figure drawing class, which makes me want to switch to studio art even more. I presume I'm coming along nicely in typography since I've gotten all my work in on time.

Money's becoming an issue again, though. With the new school year I've ceased working at D'Blazio's. I'm hoping I'll be smart enough to pick up a shift every now and then, but let's face it, I love my free time. I was also hyped up about the prospective trip to Florence this summer, but took the bad news kind of hard last week that my college fund has declined a little too far to finance such an excursion. I really need to get out of Texas for a while.

Esmeralda got a puppy and we've been keeping it here. I was aprehensive at first, since all university apartments ban petowning, but we had her wake/birthday party last Friday and met one of the guys that works in the office who said it's not a big deal. The puppy's a shitzu named Kingsley. Way too cute to be healthy. He looks like the little dog off the muppets. He's alright, but Beh'll always be my 'Behby'.

limbo

I gaze the stars from my plateau, searching for answers close enough to snatch from this vast spatial terrain. Answers to questions that only I can solve. The stars provide a comfort. A comfortable abyss I need to climb out of. I've been breathing in the same hot air for years. I love my big state, but I can't stand walking this ground when I'm consciously aware of the the foreign land I have yet to tread. I blame the land in hopes that the melancholy feeling hanging over me proves undoubtedly external. I can feel my feet pruning with exhaustion as I follow the same paths and walkways with every sunrise and sunset. I try to sigh the apathetic feelings away with deep, long breaths, but the air remains the same, and my lungs feel no change and my brain still battles the clouds. I feel as though my heart has been defensively napping since her last break, and no matter my effort, she won't wake.

I claim hatred for the cold, but perhaps I need it. I need to freeze and awake myself from this drab pattern I live in. I need to see different horizons. I need to watch different creatures. I need to meet different people. I need to put my body out of its element and dive into the waters I deemed forbidden. I need life in this life, and I need to redefine how I live. I need to know. I need to explore. I need to get out.

I am confident about changing, and I know that I will do what's necessary to achieve these feelings that, now, I can only imagine and attempt to describe.
But I hold one fear. I fear that I will eventually feel the same no matter the amount of earth I travel or people I meet or animals I see or knowledge I obtain or skills I master. I fear I will always fall into the reoccurring thought of how silly it all is. And I fear that this fear will hold me back from the life I truly wish to live. But alongside my fear, I hope. I genuinely hope that's not the case.