Letter 2

February 8, 2009

We have to be careful. Yes, we have to be careful....of what? Of our emotions we do not share, of our feelings that already suffer? Be careful. Be careful when you talk to me, friendships can turn deadly. Be careful when you think of me. Smiles turn to dried cracks in the earth that beg for rain. Happy memories remind us of, careful now, the once inviting water. Careful looking into these eyes, you won't feel good in stone. Careful not to write back, try to forget you're alone. Let's live our days carefully, so we won't regret?...Let's live carefully, digging ourselves into emotional debt.

I don't write to keep the flame alive. I write to you because, from the beginning, I found you an interesting person. I write to you as a caring friend. Even in my dreams you do not talk to me, you do not share your thoughts. What would it hurt? My feelings are no longer a factor to think about. I have come to terms with the situation, and agree that this is not the right time. But to disconnect all communication from a being you can still learn from? Well, what's the gain in that? You say it's hard to write back, and what for, what's the point? What's the reason for talking to me in the first place? I'm not asking you to sign a contract, I just wanted to keep a friendship intact. You can tell me you do not wish to continue communication, it will not hurt. I am aware of my young age, and I know there are years and years ahead of me, and I'll inevitably find happiness down the road. But I have cared for you six months deep, and I like to talk to people I care for. If you truly wish this an end, please be honest with me and yourself. Respect me enough to answer my questions in concrete language. I don't know is a false statement. You may not know it all, but you know bits and pieces, so, please, humor me.

Yesterday a strange air flowed through my lungs. Clouds falsely promised rain, covering the sky in displacement. We all have our hopes up, thirsts that need to be quenched. These days make believers wonder if God teases. I spent the day cleaning and running errands. When I awoke the first time that morning, thoughts of a kitty ran through my head. An excitement trickled through me at the thought of a purring companion. Sleep on it. At ten my heart was still set. It's amazing how much it costs to adopt. I understand the fees cover medical services, but I remain a poor college student. Through Craigslist I stumbled and after a long search came upon him. He's so handsome, and still available. Monday may finally fill the void Beethoven left. The past year my motherly instinct has kicked in, so I find furry little babies to console myself. Sometimes I feel as though I'm the only one in the town. But I believe we all sometimes feel that way. It's great to be human, but we carry many burdens. Oh, the college years. They say this is the time in life when you figure things out. I disagree. I think this is the time in life when everyone has time to think about what it's all about. Once you grow up and get a 'real job' thoughts are plagued with work and bills and family and meetings and money and ties and shiny leather shoes. We only think we've figured it out because we no longer have space in our brains for it. But at the same time, trying to figure it out for the rest of your life would be a waste. Oh, being human. What will we do, Brandon, what will we do? We can never answer these questions, never with a definitive answer. We can continue, we can persevere, we can strive for happiness, but that's all we can do. I find myself rambling, but that's all those questions ever lead to. We can ramble or we can live. I need to live. I need to paint. I need to sing. I need to dance. I need to laugh. I need to cry. I need to love. I need to miss. I need to search. I need to find. I need to live.