dear brandon,

At times I like to write more than I like to draw. Writing allows me to illustrate how I feel with words, and involves less thinking than an art piece. That's an obstacle I wish to over come - the difficulty I have with creating art. I think about it too much. But I digress.

Here's the first e-mail of my written series that I will call Letters to Brandon. The text of these letters will convey all of my thoughts, feelings, ideas, revelations, disappointments, and other things about that certain day. I feel that these letters have potential to aid in my growth, so I'm writing and introducing them as a new chapter in my life. Which means I'm going to need a copy of the original hand written letter I left on your door sometime in the future (don't lose it!). So anyway, writing seems to be the easiest method for me to get things off my chest, and instead of letting my words sit stagnantly in a blog that no one reads, (though, they will be posted there too) I'm passing them to you. I hope for your feedback and opinion in return, because that is the factor of change. Tell me what you like about them, how you feel about the diction, ask questions when you don't understand, you know, just like a critique. I share with you so you will share with me, and we will learn about each other and ourselves. Now, after that introduction, here is Letter 1:

February 1, 2009

It’s a day on the edge. The edge of overcoming or breaking down, and these deep breaths keep my balance. My insides feel like a soda freshly shaken, tense and unstable, ready to explode. But a pleasant feeling resides deep within it all. It’s the day after the storm, and though I’m hurting in more ways than one, a fresh start lies ahead. Relief runs through my hair, whispering comfort in my ear. I am outside of my head today and look at things without seeing them. My mind lingers unconsciously in a deeper realm. My body tries to hide the hope of the future as the present presses on my chest and occasionally steals my breath. But I know time moves obliviously, neutral to the individual, and I must take stride along side the man-made, abstract form that controls existence. I’m teaching myself to embrace my emotions. I need to feel more like a human. But dwelling in feelings is different. I want to recognize, address, and learn from them. I will dwell and expand only on those that take me forward through my journey.

It’s hard to realize how young you are until you’re older. Pain passes with time. These are words I repeat to myself even though they are understood. Without these days of sorrow the bright days would be dim. I look forward to the brighter days. I have always looked forward to them, and I feel ready to embark on my discovering search. I have told myself that before, but repetition only becomes a progressive tool when we no longer need it. I must live the way that makes me happy. I will too soon be in shoes of nostalgia, looking back on the life time has stolen.

Deep breaths today. I gulp it all in and feel the colors in my lungs.