two days after christmas

i walk to work under a blue sky and the sun tries really hard to warm the pink from my nose, but it's windy and winter. summer will be here soon, mr. sun. the days will again be long and hot and yours. the lake looks especially clear today, like it would feel similar to silk on my skin. today there is no dead--but peaceful looking--turtle floating in the headwaters, just cypress needles and oak leaves. i don't really know if they are oak leaves. work has gotten boring. i'm an insider now, and their jobs are never as fun. but i guess everyone sacrifices some enjoyment for money, right? please assure me that my life is not turning mundane. i do not really believe it is, but i feel like i should check my self with these one question pop quizes every so often. i think i'm getting weirded out about how quickly my life is moving. i hope that feeling goes away. probably only when i realize how it's already gone. i know i worry too much, but i convince myself that's the human thing to do. i don't really worry that much. i have forgotten how good it feels to write. i think school makes me forget that. it shouldn't. i love having all of this free time, but it lets me think, which is good, but it also drives me crazy. these thoughts cycle through my head as i stare blankly at my computer's screen trying to remember what boring database entry to do next. i really liked the wall wide window at first, but now it just seems to taunt me. how can people do this all their lives, is life really just that short? it's weird talking to strangers when i'm in this odd mood. i didn't mind filling tanks because the compressor was on and its loudness gave me an excuse not to talk to them. the compressor is so old, and i sit there with my utility earmuffs on trying to imagine it's prime and what the place was like back then. oh back then, i wonder when that will be a constant phrase in my speech pattern. my life feels strange to me sometimes. this fortune cookie just told me that honesty and friendship bring you fortune. this world feels strange to me sometimes. sometimes everything seems so real and sometimes it all seems so fake. othertimes i'm pretty happy, i think. how happy can someone be? othertimes i feel good about what i see. i believe in the colors and faces. othertimes everything amazes me. i like feeling crazy, because the crazy people have more fun in life. it's okay to act exactly how you feel, unless you don't feel good a lot, then that seems wrong.

i've been having weird dreams lately, a lot of them.